Why me, Cancer, why me?

/ moragnoffke

 

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Journal 1st October

Today is the day I fear most – the news of what treatment I need. So many questions to ask. Why me, why did I get it? Will I need chemotherapy or/and radiation? I know, so far, they say I shouldn’t have to worry. But Elizabeth Murry, the oncologist is the one who is going to decide. I DON’T WANT CHEMO OR RADIATION!!!

***


After E. Murry:

The news that sent me reeling was the size of the of the mass. It is not 18mm but 22,3: that means T2N0M0 – I don’t know what stage that is. Am I worse off than I thought? why didn’t I ask?

The mass had many oestrogen receptors which is a good thing because it means it’s not the aggressive type. So Tamoxifen for 5 years should be enough. Hopefully.

Now there is the expensive gene array analysis. Thank goodness Derek got us onto Gap Cover in May. All the expenses will be covered. And we wait for the decision about radiation and chemo therapy. I thought I would know today.

***

 

Why me?

I am sure that every one of you has asked: ‘why me?’ about a situation you have landed in.  And I truly thought I was not going to get cancer. So I also questioned, ‘Why me?’ I am not about to give you an answer. Each of us has a journey to take to find out our personal answers, but I have come to the conclusion that sometimes it is the question that matters more than the answer.

I felt that I did everything that I could to prevent breast cancer. I followed the Mediterranean diet most of my life, eating my fruit and vegetables and moderate amounts of meat and fish; didn’t drink much alcohol or sodas; and didn’t smoke. I chose to avoid contraceptives and used the Billings (natural) method of contraception because in those days people thought that contraceptives might make you vulnerable to cancer; now they think the opposite. And since my cancer was triggered by oestrogen it might have been better for me to be on the pill. Do I regret not knowing the right information? No. We do the best we can with the information we have at the time. I breast fed my two children for as long as possible as well because I heard that was a protective measure. So I thought I was safe and believed I had it covered. Since I had no family history of cancer, only heart disease, on both sides of my family it was a complete shock when I was discovered to have cancer.  So I definitely asked ‘why me?’ I found it hard to believe and kept saying to Derek ‘maybe they made a mistake’.

 

Journal entry

The gene array analysis results came back having checked if I had the gene for cancer. As it turns out I don’t. This is great and my children don’t have to worry but it still shows you don’t have to have the genes for cancer to get it. In my case it is caused by oestrogen.

 Remember you are not exempt. And it pays to be checked regularly.

***

Journal 15th October

Today I have been told the very good news: I don’t need chemotherapy or radiation. I feel like I have escaped! Total relief. I do however need to take Tamoxifen for 5 years. Not the best, but I will take that.

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A weight has dropped from my shoulders.

 

Next time I am going to explain about my breast reconstruction.

Take care!

 

If you want to read the sequence of events from the beginning you can find them here:

First  Discovering I had cancer

second Meeting my surgeon

third The question was: One breasts or two

Forth Facing my fear of surgery

Fifth I am on fire: breast surgery recovery

Sixth Why me, Cancer, why me?

Seventh Breast reconstruction

.

31 thoughts on “Why me, Cancer, why me?”

  2. 😯; so sorry to hear this. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world and susceptible to anything despite being careful.

    You nailed it saying “We do the best we can with the information we have at the time.”

    You and family are in my thoughts and prayers. I mean it.

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  14. My dear friend Morag,
    Before we are born and come into this world some rails are put on which our life train has to take this journey, even if we want it or not – these are reactions of the past: cause and effect – it is much easier for us, when we can accept even rainy days in our lives – they come for a good reason. In turning our thoughts in a positive direction we get much stronger and can even handle things that may change our whole life.
    Wishing you all the best and be safe, dear friend
    Didi

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      • Welcome, dear Morag 🙂
        Indeed and we should remember that we are not the body. We, our soul, our mind, intellect, and our Father are living at the same time in this vessel body. Mind often controls and rather seldom we look beyond it wide-reaching facets, trust an intellect that thinks that it knows everything by reasoning and through rationale. However, we are just a drop of the Ocean All-Mighty. There is something in us which is called “spirituality” – it is the best tool we have to understand ourselves in the sense of: “Man know thyself” – yes, dear friend, so everything is in His hands. Our mind is like a shadow: it thinks it is the doer (the ego in us), but it it the light that moves the shadow…

        All the best, my friend and a good journey on your life path.
        Didi

        Liked by 1 person

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  18. Congrats with the good news 😀 Mine was twice as big 40 mm. I have done radiation and have to eat Letrozol for five years. You are in an early stage with good prognosis, and the risk for recurrence is said to be low…… 🙂

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  19. I don’t want to compare my loss to yours, because circumstances are different for each one (and it’s a terrible thing to do to each other), but I want to say something to you, that helped us through our loss (I think I’ve mentioned before, we had 5 miscarriages) …
    I don’t know if the following will make sense … there were the time that we’ve been angry (yes, you know all the stages of grief because of your cancer and losing your mother). Because we could not have children, I broke down one night and pleaded with the Lord and said “Why us Lord, we have so much love to give to children” and then I’ve heard Him said “My child, why not you?”
    It’s an old saying and sometimes difficult to believe … but we will not be put through hardship if we cannot conquer it (in His name of course).
    You are indeed a brave person 💌.

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    • Yes remember you did mention it… Difficult circumstances are hard to bare… Whatever they are 👍what you share is so important 👍👍why not you… Or me?.. . And that is humbling… And one realizes we are not in control.💐🌷🌹

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