So my search and research paid off. I feel comfortable in my skin and enjoy clothes again. I enjoy shining through my style. I certainly am a bud, but no longer do I try to bloom, I now acknowledge that I am blooming in a bed of roses (with the thorns).
I definitely felt that if I didn’t think about cancer it wouldn’t happen to me. This is magical thinking. I had an irrational fear that if I contemplated cancer I would somehow open myself up to it.