Lessons late in life

/ moragnoffke

Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.

My late Mother, Margareet Bertha Armstrong.

Margaretha Bertha van Riet (Margareet Armstrong)
Ellie and my mother busy with handcrafts.

7th October 2019 was the day my mother died. I wish to honour her memory here as I share a lesson I learnt from her, late in life. I value her humility and her influence in my life.

What are trigger warnings? It is usually a statement issued at the outset about potentially disturbing content. Not everyone agrees that trigger warnings are helpful or necessary. I trust that you are able to tolerate references to trauma, violence and abuse but with respect to any who might be triggered I do allude to trauma such as alcoholism, violence and abuse. From now on I will add this statement when I feel it is necessary and I will always err on caution. Having said that I believe this is a story of hope and triumph.

My mother and I had an enmeshed and co-dependent style of living right from my youth. As you already know I was an only child. What you don’t know is that my father was an alcoholic. He was a really nice, kind, gentle, loving man when he was sober but when he was drunk he turned into a dark, tormented man that on occasions led to violence. This is most probably where the co-dependence began. There are many stories I could tell but I choose not to, as yet. Psychologically we formed a triad that had it’s complexities and traumas which played out between each of us in our behavior.

Fast forward through the next twenty years, having weathered the demise of my father when I was six years old we lived, in those two decades, as a dyad broken away from the triad. My mother and I had weathered his death, making ends meet; and we supported each other but we also clung to each other in unhealthy ways. I often felt manipulated and cornered by her because she was desperate to retain my love, her only hope. You probably know that manipulation doesn’t foster love; it drives it away. We developed a tumultuous push-pull relationship.

It was painful for both of us because we really wanted to love and care for each other but it needed to become healthy first. I went and studied psychology in my forties mostly to try and figure out my life and my relationships. Along with that process I got support from a psychologist. It breaks my heart to tell you that once I even said “if we lived on either side of the world it would still be too close.” That is what enmeshed and co-dependent relationships do to you. During the next five years, while studying psychology I learned to love myself, find my own voice and ask for the needed space. I learned to create boundaries for my life. Healthy boundaries meant my relationship with my mother could have space and air, enough for healing to occur.

Lessons I have learned. These many lessons I learned over time, slowly letting her and others into my life. But the biggest lesson I learned was from her. I think she took a very courageous step which also involved humility. One day, out of the blue, she came and asked my forgiveness for the neglect, manipulation and discouragement with which she had burdened me throughout the years. I generously forgave her because I wanted to love and be loved. Her apology was particularly affirming as I had often wondered if I had made it all up. I appreciated her taking responsibility for her actions. The lesson I learned was to courageously forgive and ask for forgiveness as this is truly the path to recovery of relationships with others and oneself. I no longer wanted to be on the other side of the world.

We were blessed with ten special years before she died where we could enjoy each other’s company. We shared a lot of common interests, we laughed, we cried and we learnt to love and respect each other as individuals. It was worth it and I wish it had happened sooner but I am very grateful for the precious years we did have (together but apart in a healthy sense).

I know what it is like to live with a severed relationship and I know what it is like to welcome healing into the relationship. It is my wish that each and everyone of you have the blessing to forgive or ask forgiveness in order for healing to occur in a damaged relationship.

A word of warning: some relationships cannot be mended because of issues beyond our control (whatever they maybe) or choices made by one or both parties. You might have tried over and over but been rebuffed each time. It is very hard to live with acceptance of these severed, afflicted and broken relationships and I wish you an extra blessing in order to carry the burden with dignity.

Freeing myself from enmeshment meant finding my voice. Finding my voice, apart from in my relationships, is a big part of my writing. Writing has enabled relationship on the internet far and wide. Thank you to everyone who reads and comments on my posts, you are part of my healing too. Your “witnessing” what I choose to write and how I express my voice is much appreciated.

I hope you are having a wonderful weekend, sending you warm smiles,
Cheers,
Morag.

28 thoughts on “Lessons late in life”

  1. Thank you for sharing your story about your life with and without your parents. Things must have been pretty tense most of the time. I kind of had the same problem but with my husband. I too, finally started valuing my own self and doing what I thought was right. I came a long way and am thankful that I had the opportunity to do so and to make great friends like you.

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  2. Thank you, Morag, for sharing this beautiful story that shows how human emotions work. I can understand the position of your mom, may her soul rest in peace!
    But your position is also understandable. After all, we all are individuals and need some personal space for making an identity, to create a niche. But I appreciate your conclusion, “forgive and seek forgiveness” that really helps create special bonds.

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    • Thank you for your understanding and sensitive response. We as humans each have things that cause us pain and that can also inadvertently cause others pain. My hope is that I do not cause others pain but I am sure I have inadvertently, the best we can do is forgive and seek forgiveness. I also think there is more to it… Asking for forgiveness is not a magic pill, one has to put effort into change and growth too. Thank you for your support. 🙏💜

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  3. Thank you, Morag, for your vulnerability in sharing this life-story. I’m glad you had the ten years of restorative relationship. Unfortunately my mother, as you said in your post, has as yet, not asked for true forgiveness for her very harsh, critical parenting. So I can only love her from a distance as she’s too hurtful. I had the very opposite to co-dependency; extreme independence and no support. Thank you for sharing about your father; I wasn’t aware of this. These stories are painful but important; it helps us understand each others’ journeys and helps us be more gentle with ourselves and others.

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    • You are welcome. And thank you for your support. I am touched by your sharing. I am sorry for your relationship with your mother and that she is too hurtful. Thank you for sharing the impact of your story… I wish you all the best in your journey and hope for healing and gentleness for you.

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    • Thank you for your supportive comment, yes you are right it is hard as the child and I think it’s hard for the parent to graciously accept the boundaries as well. The last 10 years were good 🙏🙋‍♀️🌺

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  9. Morag, it is courageous of you to share this with us. 🙏 It was a difficult start in life for you and writing here let’s us see that you have overcome those trials and found positive ways to progress your own life and that of your family. 🤗💓🌹🙋‍♂️

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  10. Glad you were able to find your true self despite how hard it was. And you bloomed perfectly.

    Its so good to, to remember you mum and sorry about the tough times with your dad. But I assume he was mostly kind and gentle on most days. Thank you for sharing

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  11. It’s a pity about the lost years, but I’m glad you and your mother were able to have a good relationship during the last few years of her life. And wonderful that your mother was able to ask for forgiveness and you were able to accept it. I’ve mentioned many times before that it’s important to love yourself – it makes life just so much easier.

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