The space where I first began to understand what I needed.

Every therapeutic relationship begins with small steps: choosing a therapist, meeting them for the first time, and slowly discovering whether they’re the right fit. In this post, following on from The Healing Space Between Two People, I reflect on my second session — a tentative but important conversation about needs, expectations, and trust. For anyone beginning therapy or curious about how rapport with a therapist develops, here’s a glimpse into how that process unfolded for me. This is not to document every detail of therapy, but to show how establishing expectations and rapport can make all the difference when starting out. (I promise I won’t be rehashing every session in the future!) For now, sharing the second one feels useful because it touches on something many people are unsure about: what to expect from therapy in the beginning.

Finding referrals for therapists is just the first step. The next is to sit down and consider what you actually need from a therapist—what you do and don’t expect, and what you most want help with. It’s also important to check that a therapist’s training, method, and fees work for you. And of course, sometimes there is a crisis in one’s life, such as suicidal thoughts or an unsafe relationship. In those situations, it may be time to contact your current doctor, nurse, or an emergency lifeline*. Please don’t wait to reach out.

For me, I knew I wasn’t in any crisis state. I simply wanted a “general maintenance” chat—a bit like taking your car in for its yearly safety and emissions inspection or MOT. I wanted to explore and see what needed attention.

My list of requirements:

1. Must be male,
2. someone I felt comfortable with,
3. someone with a sense of humour,
4. empathy,
5. compassion,
6. good listening skills,
7. someone who could provide a non-judgemental safe space for trust to develop,
8. and someone whose therapeutic approach was similar to mine.
9. Naturally, price and qualifications were also important.

You might find it helpful to make your own list before meeting someone new. Your expectations may be different from mine, and that’s okay. A list could be made when meeting anyone new for the first time, not just therapists.

I’m not the type to easily “spill the beans” or launch straight into my chosen topic; I’m usually shy. But this session felt quite different. I approached it like a kind of practical meeting where boundaries and expectations would be discussed. I knew what I wanted. It felt like I was laying down the ground rules, which for me was quite out of the ordinary as I mostly, up till meeting Michael, followed another’s lead. It was the first taste of power which was an important step in developing my voice in the long run.

Many people worry about whether a younger therapist can ‘get’ them. I felt this too. That was my only reservation: his age. I was older than him by seven or so years; his children were ten years younger than mine, and I wasn’t convinced he had lived through experiences anything like mine. I was dealing with the challenges of raising teenage daughters while navigating perimenopause, and I didn’t want to invest in a therapeutic relationship only to discover later that it wasn’t a good fit. Later, I would learn that good therapy is less about life experience and more about empathy, listening, and connection. I know it sounds a bit like choosing a life-long partner, but when I invest in a relationship, I invest fully.

Meeting Michael for the second session felt more familiar than the first. The routine would eventually become a comforting ritual. I wasn’t nervous as I approached; he greeted me cheerfully and offered tea, water, or coffee. I sat facing him, ready to talk.

Before long, I found myself launching into what I hoped to gain from the sessions.

“Number one: I have struggled with depression in the past and was on antidepressants for four years—twice. I’ve been depressed at three different times in my life. I’m fine at the moment, but I never want to reach a suicidal point again. I’d like to scratch the surface and look underneath the layers to find what might have caused this in the first place.”

I was a bit tearful at this point remembering the suicidal feelings of being helplessly ‘marooned on the rocks’ like a shipwrecked vessel.

“Number two: I want to understand why I often feel as if I’m hitting a glass ceiling when it comes to my creativity.”

“Number three: I have two teenage girls, and I think I need some support.”

These were the reasons I came.

Then came the boundaries I initially set:

“I want to attend up to six weeks while we work on these issues. After six weeks, we should reassess how we’re doing and whether we both feel comfortable with each other. If I’m satisfied with you, I have another, much more important issue to work through—but I’m not telling you what it is until I’m happy to continue after the six weeks.”

Trust is not easily given—especially not by me—and I knew it would take about six weeks for me to learn whether I could trust him.

I’m not sure what else we talked about that day, but I remember leaving with a sense that my mission for that session was complete. I stepped through the garden gate feeling elated. I had a good feeling about Michael. I sensed he could handle my push-back. And time would tell about building trust.

Looking back, this session was less about diving into my deeper issues and more about laying the foundation for a relationship built on honesty, safety, and mutual respect. Establishing expectations early on gave me the reassurance I needed to take further steps in the future. I didn’t realise it then, but these small beginnings would slowly open the door to some of the most meaningful inner work I’ve ever done.

Till next time,

Morag Noffke

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*Crisis Support Information

If you or someone you know is in a crisis, please look up the emergency numbers for your country.

Here are two examples

United Kingdom:
• Samaritans: Call 116 123 anytime.
• Shout Crisis Text Line: Text SHOUT to 85258 (24/7).
• National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK: 0800 689 5652 (6pm–midnight daily).

United States:
For immediate mental health crisis support:
• Call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
• Veterans Crisis Line: Text 838255.
• SAMHSA Substance Use & Mental Health Helpline: 800-662-HELP (4357).

If you missed the first post in this series, you can read it here:
→ The Healing Space Between Two People

The next post in the series will explore deeper connection and reflection:
→ The Mirror That Mends the Soul (coming soon)

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