The trouble with giving one’s younger self advice is, we gained that wisdom and knowledge through experience; the type of experience that can’t save us from ourselves because it is precisely because we went through these experiences that we gained the knowledge. Yet I do wish I had learnt that ‘fearful people pleasing gets you nowhere – only in trouble, most of the time. So here’s my stab at speaking to my younger self.
Morag, the sooner you develop your own ideas the better. Okay I know you developed these people pleasing habits as a protective response. It was your primal need that drove you to it and it became your toolkit for getting through life. It worked pretty well for you at first as there was no other way.
What did you face in your formative years?
An alcoholic, violent drunk by night and loving, doting father by day. The ambivalent vacillation was terrifying…. The instability of him coming and going to sea for two weeks alternating. ….An absentee mother struggling to survive and navigate her life. The hollow feeling of vacant encouragement was devastating. Adults who didn’t understand your unique perspective on life, they never understood that little people are human too with interesting ideas.
People are all trying to get by in life, focusing on themselves, mostly unaware of you, unaware of your sensitive nature. As a result you devised a coping mechanism in order to gain their love and approval. You discovered being clever and coming top of the class won your mother’s approval, being helpful gained other people’s appreciation, being entertaining and funny made your mother laugh; caring for people around you created stability and reassurance. You created for yourself a world that felt safe and comfortable. These things became an invisible form of control. A control that ensured your peace and a sense that you were lovable.
How is that coping mechanism working for you now?
You might be facing a niggling question behind the scenes ‘what if I am not liked if I don’t do these things; or despite doing these things? ‘ You begin to believe the questions and you answered ‘yes I am unlikable, yes I am unlovable, yes I am unworthy ‘ and so you had to do more and more to prove your worth. You continually worked to prove your worth and earn your love. I am here to tell you that it is quite safe to let go of control, take off your people pleasing garments. It is okay to be you.
You were told the lies that come from the social machinery that keeps everything going smoothly and without fault. You were made to believe that being unique and sensitive, intuitive and outspoken was precocious. And you were told not to disturb the peace. I am here to tell you that you are a free spirit and the sooner you learn that you are a precious being, worthy just the way God created you and worthy of love just because you are alive with energy coursing through your being. Your unique perspective on life adds a greater dimension and enhances other people’s lives too. You matter just because you are you and you have a specific place in society that no one else can replace. It’s time to find your voice.
It is time to pack away your ‘people pleasing garments’ and take those marvelous iridescent wings out of hiding. Begin by leaping into flight like you did as a child. Begin by believing that you have got what it takes to be you. And soon you will find that you are flying in your ‘you-ness’..
I know what you are thinking…. ‘isn’t it good to be pleasing to others? Isn’t it bad to be selfish? And I say to you: you will always be a kind and caring person, you will always have the capacity to care but if you don’t foster your ‘you-ness’, feed your inner soul, you will starve it and you will die a slow death of emotional starvation. Then you will be of no good to anyone. When you find your wings and delight in your uniqueness you will be amazed. You will not recognise yourself at first. And it will take practice to become inwardly aware of your own needs whilst being aware of everything going on around you. As you practice this your awareness will become more fine tuned. Balance will develop over time and you will have what people call boundaries.
As you practice you will fall, but that’s okay, knocks and bruises you will suffer and this is when you will have to use that old tool that you so skilfully practiced on caring for other people in your formative years. Now you must begin to show your Self compassion and kindness, speak encouraging words over yourself and you will pick yourself up from the scrapes and falls with renewed confidence and courage. As you age you will find you care much less about what others think of you and you will enjoy others more. You will develop a ‘gentle freedom’ and the joy of learning new things.
That’s what I would say to you. You do not need more rules and regulations. Enough of that. You do not need to control. Go with the Flow, let your boat go gently down the stream and sing your songs with a confident voice. You will get there, just as I did.
There is this question going around: ‘Do you think we’re shaped more by our experiences or by who we are?’ I think ultimately it is your choice as to what you make of your life despite what shapes you, be you, just who you are!
Part of becoming is to find out who I am. I am glad that I am on the road to recovery from my people pleasing self to a more confident voice of aging. I am not encouraging narcissistic selfishness – rather I encourage loving yourself as you love your neighbour; self respect as well as respecting others.
May Light and Peace be yours, whatever you are going through.
~Morag Noffke ~
Morag Noffke 